RIP, My iPhone

My iPhone went to be with the technology gods on Saturday. She was 16 months old. My iPhone is survived by me, though I don't how long I'm going to be able to survive without her.

Seriously. I feel like I've lost an appendage.

Here's the story: I was heading to the pool on Saturday to get my workout in before some work I needed to do, and I grabbed my bag of equipment and headed out the door. My phone and my water bottle were sitting on a table in the living room, so I grabbed those on the way out, too.

When I got to the pool, I put my bag on the ground, at the edge of the pool where I keep all of my stuff, and I got into the water. I swam around a bit to get used to the temperature and remove a few leaves that had fallen into the water. When I swam back to the bag to get my things out, I couldn't find my phone. I carefully unfolded my towel, assuming it had gotten tangled up in it and hoping not to drop it into the water, but the phone was missing in action. I started to wonder if I had really put it into my bag or if I just thought I did.

I usually text my swim workouts to myself, and I use the phone as a timer and sometimes for music. I didn't feel like getting back out of the water and going back inside, though, so I decided I'd just swim a certain number of laps and save that workout for another day. Well, just as I'd adjusted my goggles and pushed off the wall, I felt something hard and smooth against my leg. It took me a second to realize what it was, but when I did, I reached in my pocket and pulled that phone out so fast that you'd think I was saving a drowning infant.

(Side note: I was wearing shorts over my bathing suit, which is why I had a pocket.)   

Not exactly what happened but a decent reenactment.

"No, no, no, no," I wailed, racing to the side, grabbing for my towel, pressing buttons and trying to remember what to do. There's a scene in the film Carnage where (if I recall correctly) Kate Winslet gets Jodie Foster's phone wet. I tried to remember what they did. For some reason, a hair dryer and a bag of rice popped into my head, though I can't be sure those ideas are from that movie.

I raced inside, holding the phone out at arm's length. It kept vibrating and I could ever so faintly see the warning sign I see when it gets too hot. Does it also let you know when it gets too wet, I wondered, because I'm pretty sure five minutes submerged in a swimming pool qualifies as too wet.

When I got into the kitchen, I pulled out a plate, placed the phone on it, and I dumped a bag of rice on top of it. My dad walked in at this point, quite confused by what he saw. I managed to turn the phone off, or maybe it did it on its own. But I had not time to answer anyone's questions. I rushed to the computer to Google "iPhone submerged in water," and my mom says, "The internet is not working."

(Sidenote: my parents' internet goes out at least ten times a week. Sometimes because of the weather, but mostly, because they accidentally unplug things that shouldn't be unplugged.)

I looked down and noticed that the little DSL modem was unplugged, and not giving it a second thought, I plugged it in. The thing made a loud popping noise, smoke blew everywhere, and half the electricity in the house went off. Long story short, the plug on the adapter was messed up and a quick trip to, sigh, Wal-Mart (on a Saturday evening, a week before school starts, no doubt) fixed that right up, but for a moment, I thought I'd fried the whole system. All I could think about was how I had zero internet access, and I'd just taken on a couple of new clients. What was I going to tell them?

Anyway, I still have my laptop, thank goodness, but after two and a half days in the rice, I have a feeling my phone is not going to recover. It's probably for the best. I dropped it in the driveway at the Unabomber cabin a while back and completely cracked the glass on the front. I've been wanting to get a new one but unemployment and all... The good thing is that now that I'm back to living with the 'rents, no one ever calls me! Texting is a slightly different story, but I'm trying to handle that through email and Facebook messages. I think the worst thing is that I lost a ton of pictures and videos that I would have liked to save, but I guess that's what I get. I used to actually back them up, but I'm still using my aunt's loaner laptop until I can afford to get mine fixed, and it's old, and I can't get it to work well with iTunes. 

There's also the fact that I grab for my phone every five seconds to check my email, social media, play a game or look something up when the occasion arises. Also, I'm having to actually write down my swim workouts instead of texting them to myself. Like, with actual pen and paper. The horror!

So, for now, I'm somewhat incommunicado, but I suppose I'll survive. My iPhone on the other hand probably won't be so lucky.  

RIP, My iPhone. March, 2011 to July 2012

Please Calm Down: A Chick-fil-A Story

Every time I sign into Facebook lately, at least 10 to 20 people I know are posting anti- Chick-Fil-A rants about how they're never going to eat there again because their waffle fries will be filled with little bits of hate and how they probably have separate tables for gay people and... well, you get the idea.

And then there are the folks who are promising to eat there at least six times a day in the name of solidarity.   

I'm willing to bet 95% of these friends and acquaintances are back to their regular chicken goodness-consuming ways, whatever they were before, within a few weeks.

I, on the other hand, will be eating there just as much as I did before the world went nuts. 

But I need to point out a few things about myself before I go any further. 

The first one is that I have no problems with gay marriage. I think two consenting adults should be allowed to do whatever it is they want so long as they aren't hurting anyone. As a matter of fact, for as long as I've been old enough to care about the world beyond myself, I have been a huge advocate for gay adoption. Honestly, I think the gay marriage debate as it exists today was cooked up by politicians who needed votes and/or distractions, and the truth of the matter is that the government should not be in the business of marriage at all, but that's a story for another day.

I also consider myself to be a Christian. While I don't like to label myself politically, because many people have lost sight of what it means to be one thing or another, I am fiscally conservative and my social views run the spectrum, usually leaning towards "you mind your business, I'll mind mine, and let's keep the government out of it." I've voted for Republicans, Democrats and Libertarians. I laugh with Jon Stewart and occasionally listen to Rush Limbaugh.

And I love me some Chick-fil-A. I've been eating there for as long as I've been old enough to chew. Before it became a big deal, my grandmother and mother would take me to the mall and the highlight of the trip was getting chicken nuggets at the restaurant in the food court. When Chick-fil-A finally started branching out and one was built within a few miles of my house, I was beside myself. When I was in high school and college, it was not unusual to see a majority of my classmates lined up at the drive-thru or running in and out with their chicken biscuits before class. It's become a part of the local culture in Georgia. The company is known in these parts for all of the good it does on a small and large scale. I get mad when Yankee friends lump it in with McDonald's and Burger King, because it's just not the same thing.

Finally, I could seriously eat those darn chicken nuggets for all of eternity and not get tired of them. I pretty much do on an almost weekly basis. 

So, when I heard that Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy said some terrible and nasty things about gay people, I went running to the internets, fearful that I would never be able to bite into a little slice of heaven again. I've been turned off by companies based on their treatment of animals and the environment; I'd definitely have a problem with a company that purposely tried to hurt certain members of the population. And then I read his statements. And they weren't that different from the statements of thousands of other people who consider homosexuality to be something that goes against their religious beliefs. I didn't and still don't agree with him, not at all, but honestly, based on everything I'd heard, I wondered if I was missing the part about gay people having to use a different restroom in these restaurants. Almost every state in the nation, even some of the most liberal, when given the chance have voted down gay marriage (again, I don't agree with this), so why is this different?  Why should I boycott Chick-fil-A, and not, say, the entire state of California? 


Last week, Atlanta radio great Rich Sullivan posted on his Facebook page,

"If you chose not to do business with companies that supported ideas you didn't believe in, you probably wouldn't have a phone, cable/satellite service, a mortgage and more."

Truth. I know for a fact that I support companies whose beliefs don't line up with my own, but I have reasons for doing so; mainly, I like their products and services. If I dumped every friend whose politics I didn't agree with, I wouldn't have any friends at all (most of them are way more liberal or conservative than I am). My own father and I couldn't be more different when it comes to political and social issues, but we debate and argue, and we're friends at the end of the day.  If I had to figure out which store's CEO's personal ideology I agree with or don't before entering the door to shop, I'd never go anywhere, and it'd become an extremely tiresome process. Don't get me started on the movies and television shows I wouldn't watch or the music I wouldn't listen to.

If I did find out a company was purposely discriminating against a group of people, hell yes, I would boycott. But I just don't see it that way. Dan Cathy's opinion is not a determining factor in whether or not gay marriage is allowed unless the state of Georgia votes on the issue, and then his opinion is simply one of millions.

I get why people disagree with me on this; I really do. But what I don't understand is why so many of those people feel that the only way they can combat someone who they feel is being "hateful" is by retaliating with more hate. I've seen some of the nastiest words ever written on this topic. I've seen people accuse all Christians or all Conservatives of being some of the most vile things you can imagine. I've seen worse things said about Dan Cathy than I have the guy who shot up the Colorado movie theater. They claim it's justified, but in my eyes, that only makes you less of a human being than the very people you disagree with. Sadly, there are always going to be hateful, bigoted or just plain misguided people in the world. There's not a whole lot you or I can do to change that other than lead by example. Calling someone names and threatening their life is not leading by example.

Back to boycotting. I do think that if you want to show your disapproval of a company, you should boycott. Just because I'm not planning to doesn't mean I disapprove of the tactic. I love this country so much, and I love the free market so much that I encourage you to do your extra shopping or your avoiding at any business you see fit (as opposed to encouraging unhinged mayors who vow to ban the restaurant from their cities, something that's pretty much illegal, thank God). But kids, actions speak louder than words. Posting your anti-Chick-fil-A rants on Facebook and Twitter all day for your 200 "friends" to see isn't going to do anything but drive a few people to ask you to shut the hell up or block you all together. I mean, I wish I had the kind of time on my hands that some of my friends and acquaintances do. Who has time to play Facebook for hours a day?  Who has time to put so many hours into talking about how they aren't going to eat at one of thousands of restaurants?

I had a lot more I wanted to say about this, but it's making me tired to even think about it. And so, I'm going to take my own advice. I'm not going to spend my days posting on Facebook about how unfair the world is because Dan Cathy is still able to sell delicious chicken. I'm not going to accuse someone I don't know of being a bigot or a hate-monger and then match them with my own brand of hate. I'm not going to jump on a bandwagon that was formed out of a knee-jerk reaction to a man's words and start doing things that could leave thousands of good people, who may or may not agree with their boss, without a job to support their families.

Instead, I'm going to do things that will really make a difference. If I find myself in a situation with someone who finds homosexuality or the marriage of two men or two women to be a sin, I'm going to ask them why they feel the need to control the lives of others based on their own beliefs. No one's forcing them to be gay or marry another dude or lady after all.  I'm going to contribute to, campaign for, and vote for leaders who enjoy freedom and liberty and justice for all. I'm going to focus on issues like the economy and all these wars and the fact that there are more people on food stamps than ever before, because if these issues aren't resolved, it ain't gonna matter who is getting married or who's eating at Chick-fil-A or who can say the nastiest things on Facebook.

Finally, and this is slightly irrelevant, but for the gazillion people who have felt the need to tell me that one of my favorite Hollywood types, Ed Helms, made headlines by declaring that he is now boycotting Chick-fil-A - I don't actually know the man, so I'm not sure what you want my reaction to be. His boycotting of Chick-fil-A does not interfere with his ability to crack me up on The Office or make me giddy when he plays the banjo or impress me with his acting in movies such as Cedar Rapids.

However, should Ed Helms ever come to Atlanta and ask me to debate the merits of boycotting Chick-fil-A, I'll be more than happy to discuss it with him at, say, Zaxby's.

Peace out. 

Thank You, Andy Griffith

I was driving down the road today, and I heard Mara Davis say, "R.I.P., Andy Griffith."

I couldn't believe my ears. Surely, I was hearing this out of context. Since I've given up cable and internet, I've had a harder time staying on top of these kinds of details. I don't even check my phone 24/7 anymore, so I'm not getting email news alerts and Twitter feed chatter as it happens. I've yet to figure out if this is a good or a bad thing, but that's not the point.

The point is that the United States lost a national treasure today.

Like so many other people across our country, it's hard to put into words what The Andy Griffith Show meant to me many years ago and means to me today. It's one of the few things in life that is timeless and constant. As a young child, I begged my parents to let me watch "Andyman," and they obliged, thank God. As I grew older, I secretly loved Braves rain delays because that's what TBS would air when our guys were sitting in the dugout, waiting out the storm. I remember tucking myself away in my bedroom in my first grown-up house in Athens, watching Nick at Nite's various The Andy Griffith Show marathons. I jumped up and down a few weeks ago when I found out a local access channel would be running the program on weekday nights at 7:30 p.m. How rare is it to watch a show and totally lose yourself, forgetting that these aren't real people and this isn't a real town? How rare is it to watch anything and forget that it's coming to you via cameras and Hollywood magic? 

The show and its characters have influenced my life in so many ways, right down to my writing. Most of the stories I write take place in small Southern towns with bumbling, folksy and eccentric characters, which stems from a desire to read about such things and usually not being able to find them. While some of that was inspired by my own upbringing, so much of it came from a desire to recreate Andy Griffith's world and to bring the South to life much the way he did through almost everything he created.

Beyond Mayberry, I was a big fan of Griffith's other work. If you have never heard his monologue, What it Was, Was Football, do yourself a favor and find it immediately. If you've never seen the movie A Face in the Crowd, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. And though I've been ridiculed for it, I love to hear him sing and play the guitar. As a big fan of bluegrass and American roots music in general, I learned a little bit about the genre through Griffith, believe it or not.

I could go on about what Andy Griffith means to this country. I could go on about how talented he was and how rare it is to find such a pure, creative mind in today's television and film world. But really, the influence this one man had on the lives of so many people is not something one can bring justice to by trying to sum it up in a few words. To understand it, you have to witness him perform, and thankfully, so many of his performances are there for us to show our children and grandchildren for years to come.

With that I say thank you, Andy Griffith, for the joy and entertainment you've brought me over the last 31 years. Thank you for inspiring my writing in a way few others can. And thank you for sharing your gift with the world so that it will be available forever.  

Rest in peace.