February 28, 2011
Separated at Birth? Charlie Sheen & Muammar Gaddafi
One's a 45 year old actor, and one's the 60-something leader of Libya...
Charlie Sheen and Muammar Gaddafi may not look anything alike, but they do have some things in common. For example, both men have made the headlines this week, and both men seem to live in a world that the rest of us do not have access to.
Do they have other things in common? Let's take a look:
Gaddafi: Unless you live under a rock, you've heard of Gaddafi's 40 female bodyguards - all of whom are supposedly virgins and hand-picked by the man himself. There have also been many accounts of Gaddafi flying gorgeous Italian women to his homeland for "cultural tours and romance."
Sheen: Sheen, on the other hand, likes his women with experience. He's been in and out of numerous relationships with everyone from Kelly Preston to Denise Richards, he has five children with three different women, and recently, he has reportedly been hanging out in the Bahamas with a number of porn stars, his current wife, and a nanny.
2. Respect For Said Women
Gaddafi: Remember those Italian babes? It looks like the visits weren't all fun and games. Then again, what sexy party doesn't end with lectures on converting to Islam? It's kind of like one of those timeshare presentation vacations, only instead of partial ownership in a condo in Orlando, you get a lifetime of oppression under Sharia law.
Sheen: Remember those multiple relationships? In 2009, Sheen went to jail for domestic abuse against his wife, Brooke Mueller. In 1990, Sheen shot his fiance at the time, Kelly Preston, in the arm.
3. In Denial
Gaddafi: Much of Libya may be in uproar, protesting Gaddafi's government, but don't try to tell him that. "They love me. All my people with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me," Gaddafi recently told the BBC.
Sheen: Sheen also seems to be in denial about, well, pretty much everything. From his sobriety (hey, who needs AA, the "a silly book written by a broken-down fool who is a plagiarist," when you've got the Sober Valley Lodge?) to, as one dude points out, his skills as an actor (to paraphrase, Sheen plays a "hedonistic, womanizing, hard-partying lout" on his show Two and a Half Men - not a big stretch there).
4. The Name Game
Gaddafi: Flip through a Google news page of search results for "Gaddafi" and you might be wondering how a few of those journalists got through the first grade. Never fear, it's not their fault the man's name can be spelled, according to ABC, over 112 different ways. This has something to do with Arabic not translating to English, or something else that's not worth explaining. If you're confused, A-S-S-H-O-L-E is considered OK too.
Sheen: If you were a kid of the 80's or the 90's, like myself, you probably knew Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez were brothers, and Martin Sheen was their father, but that whole Sheen/Estevez thing was too complicated for your Breakfast Club-loving, Paula Abdul-listening to mind. Well, as it turns out, Sheen's name is actually Carlos Irwin Estevez. I wonder if they have 112 ways to spell Sheen in the Middle East?
5. Blaming Bin Laden
Gaddafi: In a BBC interview, Gaddafi carried on about how the people of Libya are on hallucinogenic drugs supplied by Bin Laden. As a matter of fact, he pretty much blames Bin Laden for the whole darn uprising.
Sheen: Sheen, however, does NOT blame Bin Laden for his own country's woes. Sheen is infamous for his statements regarding September 11, you know, the ones claiming Bush did it and saying it all looked like "controlled demolition."
6. Egos the size of the Moon
Gaddafi: I think this is pretty obvious if you read numbers one through five. Need more proof? Check out his 95-minute address to the United Nations. Enough said.
Sheen: As Sheen told NBC today, "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching a total freaking rock star from Mars. And people can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." He also defied biology and claimed he is made of "tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
7. Faces Melting Off
Sheen: Sheen said today, "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off..."
Gaddafi: Well, Gaddafi just kind of looks like his face is melting off.
8. I Wish I Knew How to Quit You
Gaddafi: Gaddafi says he'll die a martyr, but his homies aren't quite there yet. Just recently, Libyan Justice Minister, Mustafa Mohamed Abud al-Jelei, stepped down, essentially implying he couldn't work for Gaddafi's crazy ass anymore.
Sheen: Today, Sheen's long-time publicist, Stan Rosenfield, stepped down, essentially implying he couldn't work for Sheen's crazy ass anymore.
9. Soon to be Drawing Unemployment
Sheen: Sheen's job, which was to play a douchebag on CBS's Two and a Half Men, has been canceled for the rest of the year and indefinitely. Sheen's not letting this small detail of unemployment stand in the way of his cocky attitude. He's even gone as far as to demand outrageous amounts of money for future projects he claims are in the works. With any luck, Hollywood will ignore him for the rest of all time, but I'm not holding my breath. It was kind of nice for CBS to remind him that he works for them though. Even if he doesn't seem to care.
Gaddafi: Speaking of, as mentioned, the people of Libya have been having a grand time (when they're not getting killed) of showing Gaddafi that they're tired of his crap, and will do whatever it takes to cancel the Muammar Gaddafi show. Unless HBO is planning to pay Gaddafi $50 mill for his fire-breathing fists, he may find himself in the unemployment line next to Sheen soon.
Hey guys, how are your high-speed rail-building skills?